Think for a moment about how to build a house. First of all you must find a suitable land for construction; We would look for stable soils that are neither sandy nor clayey. You should plan to make your house with sufficiently strong and durable materials such as reinforced concrete. However, the most important thing would be to build your house on concrete slabs or "foundations" which have the most vital task: to support the columns.
A house is not planned lightly, you will probably have to invest more time, money and other resources to ensure that in the long term your house has been an excellent investment that guarantees comfort and security.
This is more or less how it happens in our life. As parents, we play a fundamental role in shaping the personality of our sons and daughters. Many of us try to find the ideal moment to bring them into the world, we seek to give them security, that they are formed on the basis of values, love, spirituality. That they are safe so that they can face life. Raising children is not an easy task, I think it will take many years before they become autonomous.
However, how to cope with adolescence when it carries early experiences of marked fear and pain. There are also personality characteristics, inherited and acquired tendencies, residues of dependency and child cruelty that suddenly, not being healthy, manifest themselves in adolescence.
Some studies reveal that the antisocial behaviors that flourish during adolescence may be the product of a deprivation that the subject experienced during childhood; Among some causes they cite: that the mother at a critical moment has been withdrawn or depressed, when the family disintegrated, stories of abandonment; marked because before this situation there was an experience of well-being and then there was an interruption after which things were not the same again. So this child will unconsciously seek the world to acknowledge his "debt" or seek the world to restore what he lost.
Some years ago I had the opportunity to meet a boy of only 10 years old whom I will call Diego.
Diego's mother was a young girl who was not even 20 years old when she became pregnant for the second time, this time from Diego. The two boys lived with her until they were 6 and 8 years old. The mother, consumed in her dependency, put her children at risk, at which point they were taken from her because both children had been sexually abused. The two little ones were placed in a foster home for two years.
The mischief and sweetness of both children conquered a couple who decided to adopt them both. For some time, Diego had an almost normal development, and I say almost because he had eventually had attacks of anger of significant intensity. However, the deprivation he suffered during his childhood years took effect in his teens.
Diego became an aggressive boy, inclined to participate in gang activities, at the same time he fell into drugs and started stealing in order to maintain his dependence. Even though his adoptive mother loved him sincerely, Diego seemed to be upset with the world, there was no guilt about his behavior, he justified with force that he had had to steal, hit, insult…. And that it was the fault of others, he always considered himself a victim. I admire his adoptive mother who never gave up, today Diego is about to conclude a recovery process and he feels ready to resume his life.
It is important to note that not all adolescents have histories of deprivation so they should not be labeled as “troublesome antisocials. There is a normal “resistance” that the adolescent faces towards complying with the rule or the established. By nature they tend to question the rules, they may perceive that everything is unfair and that adults do not respect their rights.
The problem could be seen in that group of young people who seek to identify groups of isolated individuals, who are assiduous to risky and extreme behaviors, where antisocial acts are seen as ways of showing power and pseudo-security
One of the questions that many parents ask themselves is why are they isolated?. Some authors say that during this stage the "principle of isolation" occurs. This principle is based on the fact that the adolescent is in essence an isolated being and that from this isolation, a process will begin that will culminate in the establishment of relationships and eventually in socialization.
A particularity will be the partial abandonment of isolation, to try to socialize in a group that shares identical tastes and that if they are attacked they can react strongly to the attack, but when the persecution disappears they isolate themselves again.
However, there are cases where isolation really becomes a problem, as there are boys (as) who have tendencies to become more absorbed during this time. Feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, and low self-esteem can lead to antisocial behavior.
These and other conflicts may present adolescents during this important stage.
But not everything is conflict and problem. I would love for you to be able to accompany me in the next installment where we will talk about how to maintain affective, close and healthy relationships with our adolescents.
Licda. Tatiana Carrillo Gamboa.
Psychologist and psychopedagogue